By Sandy M. Tyler

Howdy fellow RHOA watchers. What are you grateful for this week? I am grateful for how much the two new housewives do NOT get along. It was just about as delicious as my friend Bob’s pecan pie. Let’s do this!

Nene and Gregg continue their new normal and have a little key party while getting pedicures at Polished and Primped in Midtown. He wants the key to her heart and her house, while she needs a little more time to get there. Gregg may even consider going bi-coastal for Nene when she starts living in L.A. part-time, not that she encourages him. Gregg lays it on thick, spouting bits of bad poetry and moving Nene’s pedicurist aside, so he can massage Nene’s feet himself. He even insists on offering her a full set of his own keys. (Including a key to his “backdoor.” BOOM!) Nene says that only change will get Gregg what he wants. Then Miss Lawrence appears, telling Gregg to be sincere and genuine and the universe will answer, or maybe Nene will find out about those quick, key-making machines at Lowes.

At Phaedra and Apollo’s house, we learn that Apollo has recently been certified as a nutritionist and personal trainer. (Sign. Me. Up. Working out with Apollo is a New Year’s Resolution I can keep!) Phaedra and Apollo are going to develop a training video to help others get their own Donkey Bootie. A training video that will have butt lifting AND butt plumping properties. My friends, Phaedra is a “donkologist”, and she’s going to help all of the women out there get theirs without breaking too much of a sweat.

At the Biermann household, Kim, a beautiful, pregnant, white-chocolate lady according to Sweetie, complains that there is no house in Atlanta she could possibly like well enough to move into. So the family decides to take their 4 kids, toy-sized dog, Versace place settings and all of Kim’s wigs back to her old townhouse. The eviction still isn’t sitting well with Kim, who has Sweetie making a list of everything Kim plans to take with her when she’s sent packing, including all of the landscaping. The expectant Mom uses the word “mother” a LOT, just not in a way that’s fit to print. I DO hope KJ’s first word is Dada, but I’m not holding my breath.

Kenya meets up with new cast member Porsha Stewart to (introduce her to the viewers) discuss attending an event for the Hosea Williams Foundation. Porsha is cute and upbeat, which seems to make Kenya annoyed and defensive. Porsha also asks Kenya if she’s married, which seems to make Kenya annoyed and defensive. Porsha also talks to Kenya about having children . . . making Kenya annoyed and defensive. To be fair to Porsha, this seems to be the typical conversation arc when meeting certain women in the South for the first time. To be fair to Kenya, this has sometimes made me annoyed and defensive, and talking to Kenya about fertility treatments was just outrageously insensitive. But Porsha is one of those cute girls who don’t seem to know any better.

Porsha appears to lead a charmed existence. She’s the granddaughter of Rev. Hosea Williams and now lives a life of charity events and lunching with the ladies when she’s not spending time with her husband, ex-NFL player and current ESPN analyst Kordell Stewart. But no need for Kenya to be jealous, it appears Porsha can’t play golf and has a penchant for wearing Cher’s old headbands, but more on these two housewives in a few.

We find Kandi at her old house with her aunt and uncle who are helping her move the last of her things before a renter takes over. This includes packing her gold records and Grammys and adjusting to a major lifestyle change after 15 years in her old place. Duly noted that Kandi did not tell Kim she had a house to rent . . .

Phaedra meets up with Kenya for some gelato at a bar (What?). She likes Kenya because she’s eccentric and crazy, just like Phaedra. Phaedra tells Kenya about her workout video idea, and Kenya offers up her production company to shoot it. Then the subject of babies comes up again. Kenya says she’s working on getting married. She’s trying not to push, but she’s making her feelings known. Is this with Walter? The poor guy she had such an awkward date with in last week’s episode? The guy she doesn’t seem to know very well, like they’ve only dated online? The same guy she basically told, “Hey, I’m completely crazy, and I want to make babies with you! Now I have to go to the bathroom because in the past, you’ve asked other women out.” Turning the evening into a drinking game for poor Walter. She’s planning to marry that guy?

But I digress.

Turns out that my theory is correct that Kenya didn’t get enough love as a child from a mother who not only didn’t want to raise her but did “everything she could to destroy” her. She tells Phaedra she used to be “hell on wheels” and would treat people poorly until she went into therapy and learned about herself. Seems that Kenya could use a tune-up, or possible an entire engine overhaul, but at least for now she’s got Phaedra fooled.

Nene and Cynthia meet up in New York when they’re both in town for work. Cynthia is determined to teach Nene how get around like a real New Yorker by buying her a MetroCard and taking her, and her 6-inch Louboutins, on the subway. Nene, anxious to people-watch, winds up getting watched herself and is recognized by a group of young, aspiring actors who attend a performing arts school. It’s a cute moment, and then the kids had to sign unpaid talent contracts for their first TV appearance. The subway ride doesn’t convince Nene to give up her driver or to try a New York hot-dog from a street vendor, but if she’s needed for Sex and the City 3, she’s ready.

Back in Atlanta, Kenya arrives at Porsha’s event and is surprised by how small it is. Rather than a celebrity-studded gala, it’s a small group of “powerful” Atlanta women, none of who seemed to have overlapped Cynthia’s group of “empowered” women from last week’s episode.

Then there was a weird “look at me, my life is perfect” moment when Porsha’s husband, Kordell Stewart, stopped by to bring her a Chanel handbag, a Chanel handbag cake and tell the audience how g-o-o-d she looked while passing off a large donation check. It all would kind of make a person, especially a faux-celebrity with crazy tendencies, wonder why they had bothered to have their make-up done and show up. Porsha then commits the ultimate sin, calling Kenya Moore a former Miss America, rather than a former Miss USA. Kenya, whose sense of self-importance rivals that of Nene’s old pal The Donald, uses the innocent mistake as an excuse to claim she needs to step outside to get a break from the air-conditioning and make her escape from an evening she considers beneath her obvious star-power. Good thing Porsha didn’t confuse KEnya with her friend KAnya or weaves might have been pulled.

Porsha, following Kenya outside, doesn’t appreciate that the diss went down in the home of her grandfather, and doesn’t like her legacy being disrespected. Seems to me that agreeing to appear on The Real Housewives of Atlanta in the first place would be disrespectful enough to her grandfather’s legacy. No doubt that Kenya is an absolute nut-job, but it’s not like Porsha can get away with pretending that she didn’t know what she was getting herself into when she signed on for the show.

Porsha then goes on to kick Kenya out of an event that Kenya has already left. If only Kim would have shown up blaring “Don’t be Tardy for the Party” from her Ford Escalade, the moment would have been perfect! At least Miss Lawrence was there, yet again, as the only queen in this scenario with any class.

Just delicious stuff! I am still licking my fingers. And if I see Kenya Moore going for one of those $300 large-screen televisions this Black Friday, I’ll know better than to fight her for it.

 

Collin Kelley

Collin Kelley has been the editor of Atlanta Intown for two decades and has been a journalist and freelance writer for 35 years. He’s also an award-winning poet and novelist.

2 replies on “Real Housewives of Atlanta: That’s Miss USA to you, boo”

  1. I really wanted to like Porsha, but couldn’t the purse, cake and check from Kordell waited until after the charity event ended? It just seems to be in poor taste you are raising money for needy children when your husband buys you a $1500 Chanel purse. I was talking about this episode with my co-worker from DISH and at this point we both kind of miss Sheree. It appears next week is going to be filled with more drama, so I set my DISH Hopper to record it. There is over 400 hours of HD recording room to give me plenty of space to DVR the rest of the season. I think there is still hope for Porsha, and I’m going to keep watching to see how the season turns out between her and Kenya.

  2. I really wanted to like Porsha, but couldn’t the purse, cake and check from Kordell waited until after the charity event ended? It just seems to be in poor taste you are raising money for needy children when your husband buys you a $1500 Chanel purse. I was talking about this episode with my co-worker from DISH and at this point we both kind of miss Sheree. It appears next week is going to be filled with more drama, so I set my DISH Hopper to record it. There is over 400 hours of HD recording room to give me plenty of space to DVR the rest of the season. I think there is still hope for Porsha, and I’m going to keep watching to see how the season turns out between her and Kenya.

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