Week 8 of Scandal! began with Agent Hammer reuniting with his beloved Cynthia Monets. He finally came clean about a secret that would rock the foundation of their relationship: that he is still married to another woman – the spooky voodoo priestess and hot sauce store owner, Madame Swampass. But it’s ok, he said, because he’s going to make the divorce quick.
Mall janitor and C.H.U.D. hunter Sparky Reinhardt met with Lark Darkcastle in the blacklight section of Spencer’s Gifts, seeking combat training to use in his campaign of revenge against the monsters that took his wife and child. Lark said no, as his attempt to train lil’ Daisy had turned her into something terrible. He said he would reconsider if Sparky could prove that he was out for more than just revenge, to which Sparky said “no deal.”
Distraught, Madame Swampass entered Orel’s Florals and Corals. She confided in Orel Hanks that her divorce with Hammer was tearing her apart and that she needed a good lawyer. Luckily, Orel used to be a divorce attorney back in the day. They plotted over exactly how to take Hammer to the cleaners, with Madame Swampass being very concerned about losing her collection of blood (human and otherwise) in the split. Orel reassured her that she would get everything she wanted as a payment for Hammer’s betrayal.
Meanwhile, Rosemary Splat visited Quartz Nixon’s massage kiosk. She received a White Rain hair spray rubdown, while Quartz noticed something very strange: Rosemary doesn’t seem to be able to lie down properly. She told Quartz that something was very wrong with a “friend” of hers that might be turning into a C.H.U.D., and asked for counseling. Quartz was unable to provide it without meeting said “friend.”
Violet Chumsley returned from her journey into the future with a stunning revelation: she knows when and how everybody in the mall is going to die. After a lengthy discussion of time travel paradoxes and Violet’s insistence that nobody can change the future, she dropped the bomb on Orel: he’s going to die very soon, and it’s going to be Hammer who does the deed. Orel was determined to change his fate.
Madame Swampass and Hammer met in the food court to settle the terms of their divorce, and Hammer came in with a weak negotiation tactic: he gave Swampass everything right away. He described his love for Cynthia just as she walked into the food court, catching the Madame’s one good eye. Swampass was immediately taken by Cynthia, and cast a hex that turned them both into lesbians.
At the edge of the Forbidden Zone, Violet gave Sparky some very important news from the future: he was basically the Terminator. Sparky didn’t understand the movie reference, but the message was clear… his destiny was to save the mall. Elated at this, Sparky was ready to set off to kill the C.H.U.D. King, but there was one unexpected development: Violet wouldn’t tell him if he returned alive.
Agent Hammer met Rosemary Splat to talk about his problems with his newly-uninterested-in-him fiancée. Rosemary finally confided in Hammer what everyone had been suspecting: she is actually a C.H.U.D. queen, and had impregnated Hammer with yet another baby C.H.U.D.! Hammer understandably flipped out.
Orel found Cynthia while shopping for clothes at Rich’s, which was weird considering he hasn’t changed his suit in over 20 years. He told Cynthia that he was sorry about what happened despite actively trying to break them up, and asked about what Violet had said to him. Cynthia didn’t think Hammer was a violent man, but Orel was still wary of the prophecy.
Madame Swampass also went to Lark for training, but of a different kind: how to seduce Cynthia. Lark gave her some simple advice in song: whatever you think is the right thing, do the opposite. The two sang a beautiful duet with the help of Swampass’ charmed bird skeleton, Steven.
Upset about the baby C.H.U.D. now growing inside him, Agent Hammer went to get a hot cork massage from Quartz Nixon. Quartz explained that fatherhood was one of life’s most precious gifts, and that he in fact has thousands of children due to a poorly thought out New Year’s resolution. Hammer left with newfound confidence and a dedication to raise his child.
Sparky stocked up on food for his trip into the Forbidden Zone at Great American Cookie, where he talked to Rosemary at length about his hatred for C.H.U.D.S. Rosemary asked to borrow his killing knife, and almost stabbed him in the back as he told her all about how nice it was. Losing her nerve, she let him go still thinking that she was his human friend.
Violet met Lark at Spencer’s Gifts to beg him to help Sparky in his quest, and let him know about her future knowledge. She also told him something nobody else knew: almost everyone in the mall will be dead within several weeks, including him.
Madame Swampass and Cynthia crossed paths in the food court, and after a brief dance around the tables, they moved in close for a passionate smooch. Agent Hammer could only watch from the sidelines as his fiancée found somebody else. And just when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse, Orel Hanks stepped from the shadows with a gun pointed at the back of Hammer’s head…
Read the episode 7 recap at this link.
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