When one of my twins was home on break (sorry, boys, I don’t remember which of you it was), we went to see a movie together and agreed on “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.”
This is a bit of a spoiler alert, but since the movie’s been out for several months now, I feel like it’s fair game. I’ll cut to the chase and tell you that the movie plays on the premise that there are alternate universes full of alter-ego-Spideys. We are introduced to a cast of them. Besides our protagonist, a boy who’s been freshly bitten, there’s a beer-bellied Spider-Man with a 5 o’clock shadow, a gumshoe Spider-Man Noir in a black cloak, an anime-type Spider-Girl named Peni Parker who zips around with her own robot, a butt-kicking blonde known as Spider-Gwen, and a Spider-Pig.
It’s a fun flick.
Plus, the whole parallel-universe premise provided a subject for lively happy-hour conversation with the neighborhood gals.
And now I’ll throw the question to you: Are there variations of you out there, in other You-Verses, taking entirely different shapes?
I, for one, like to think that in a parallel universe somewhere, there is a version of me that is competent. Competent Robin can balance her checkbook, arrives on time, and can go bowling without injuring herself. Her garden flags always match the seasons. She has a first-aid kit completely organized in a tackle box, and is, of course, a morning person.
But it doesn’t stop there. I also imagine Danica Robin, who can parallel park. She also drives a stick-shift and is not afraid to turn left against traffic. Plus, she can drive 10 mph over the speed limit without getting a ticket.
Creative Robin is a burly fellow who has an armful of tattoos, a nose-ring, and is making replicas of the Seven Wonders of the World out of marzipan.
Domestic Robin is always perky and likes to iron, do laundry and sew on buttons. If her young child comes to her asking for her to sew the nose back onto his reindeer slipper, she won’t hide the items in the closet until he’s 19. If her daughter comes to her with a stain on her sundress, she won’t give her a sweater and tell her that the dress is now winter wear.
Nordic Robin is 5-feet-7-inches, has never broken a leg skiing, and has no unwanted facial hair. Kardashi-Robin is an Instagram influencer. Immuno-
Robin can endure in a 10-hour plane ride next to a 3-year old with a cough and a runny nose, and not get sick.
There’s also X-Acto-Robin, who, besides wielding super powers with her trusty X-Acto knife, can make a Halloween costume out of duct tape and a pair of funnels.
And somewhere, there is a universe where I’m still me, only I wear a C-cup bra.
Since animals are included in the U-Verses, there might as well be Robin-Robin, who flies over the Connector at 5 p.m. and gloats.
And though I typically don’t play Bait the Readers, I really want to know…who are you in your parallel life?